June 6, 2024
A friend of mine recently signed up for a genetic screening test. It didn’t go as planned. Contrary to what he had believed, he wasn’t of Italian heritage. The result of an affair? A mistake in the testing? A story that his parents fabricated? Who knows. The crazy thing is how devastated he became about the report. I thought, what difference does it make? You’re still you—nothing in the results changes that.
Apparently, it did. In his mind, he was a fake, a fraud. Having lost that particular identity meant that he could no longer love himself (assuming that he ever did). This kind of behavior is common. We tend to be our own worst critics. Often engaging in harsh inner dialogues and habitually focusing on negative thoughts. We harp on all the things we’re not: not perfect, not smart enough, not worthy of love, not as good as everyone else. From the viewpoint of an outsider, it seems ridiculous, but we can’t see it in ourselves. Psychologists often ask their patients if they would dare say those things to their spouse or child. Naturally, most say no. So why do we accept this behavior from ourselves?
Society is partially to blame, contributing to the goal of perfection—the struggle for the unattainable. We’re human beings, full of flaws and doubts, but also joy and love. The negative thoughts that seem to percolate in our minds and bubble up as difficult emotions are the result of a pattern, a habit, a story we have told ourselves for so long that we can no longer differentiate it from reality.
Who would want to hang out with someone so flawed? Still, here we are: day after day, year after year, with ourselves 24/7. We rarely miss the opportunity for self judgement. It doesn’t have to be this way. We can change our story. We can become more self-forgiving and understanding. By focusing on self-compassion, we begin to change the story that drives our lives. This road leads to great peace and happiness. The organization, AA, has an expression, “fake it til you make it.”
Go ahead, say it out loud: “I love myself.” It may feel weird at first, but after a while it will take hold. It will become the new view of yourself. Scientists say that the human brain cannot tell the difference between something that’s imagined and something that’s real. This is the very principle that athletes apply in visualizing successful performances ahead of the event. It’s not that hard to do.
Be kind to yourself. We’re all perfect in our flawed and imperfect ways. Embrace it all and enjoy the experience of life.
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